May 24, 2009

Terminator Salvation: A Review

I watched this film. In it, a man named Christian Bale and a group of his friends try to come to terms with their disappointment about the apocalypse by breaking a number of very expensive machines. The villains of the piece are a gang of humorless robots who are inexplicably angry with Christian Bale and his friends because of something that a man named Edward Furlong did in a previous, more interesting film, which they watched but did not particularly enjoy.

There are two parts of this film that I liked very much: In the first, an extremely large robot shoots motorcycles out of its knees, which I can relate to because it is something that I have always wanted to do. My other favorite part of the movie is a dramatic scene in which Christian Bale spends ten minutes shouting at a cinematographer who is acting unprofessionally.

All in all, I would have to say that I did not like this film as much as I thought I was going to. This is primarily due to the direction, by a Scottish gentleman named McG, who, due to a traumatic childhood incident where a killer robot belittled him for writing a competent segue, is convinced that coherent narratives are for sissies and elitists.

In conclusion, I would recommend that you not watch this film because it will make you very depressed about the future, which has no jokes or girls in it.

July 22, 2008

Dark Knight: A Review

I watched this film. In it, a very small man named Christian Bale makes himself appear larger with some help from Morgan Freeman, a pair of black, pointy ears, and a tank. There are no pretty girls in the film, as unforeseen budget problems created by the recent rise in pleather prices required the producers to hire a woman named Maggie Gyllenhaal to play two roles, as Batman’s love interest and the girlfriend of District Attorney Harvey Dent.

My favorite part of this movie is when Batman patently ignores international extradition laws and the Geneva Convention to bring an Asian accountant to justice. I have often felt that foreign accountants deserve to be plucked from their workplaces by giant bats and left hog-tied in front of an American prison, and it was nice to see a movie that clearly shares this ideal.

Overall, I would say that I definitely liked this movie, even though it was very dark and intense and I had to watch it on opening weekend in New York from the end of a line 34 blocks away from the theatre, via a tedious and emotionally exhausting game of Telephone. What possessed them to include a character named “Pooface” in what is otherwise an extremely serious picture, is still lost on me.

In conclusion, this movie made me feel a lot more comfortable about my sexual orientation than Brokeback Mountain, even though Heath Ledger does wear makeup in this one as well.

July 20, 2008

Hellboy II: A Review

I watched this film. In it, a large red alien named Hellboy and his best friend, Niles from Frasier (played as a fish in this film, by Doug Jones) work for a shadowy government agency called the INS. The red alien and the fish team up with a piece of skirt named “Selma Blair”, whose superpower is being surprisingly hot, and the threesome embark on a quest to find the mysterious “Golden Army”, which is an army made out of gold. Along the way, they meet a number of bugs.

I liked this film because it reminded me of another film by the same director (also about bugs), called Pan’s Labyrinth. In conclusion, Selma Blair really is exceptionally good-looking. Somehow, I must have missed that during The Sweetest Thing. Possibly because the advertisers of that film failed to mention either aliens or bugs in their promotional materials. As a consequence of which, I failed to watch it.

For more reviews by me of movies that Selma Blair was apparently in, see Waz.

March 16, 2008


Waz is a very specialized term that I came up with in high school, originally to describe the effects of a cat tranquilizer called Ketamine, which is not fun at all, but not so completely lacking in fun that you wouldn’t do it again so you could go ahead and not have a good time on Ketamine as an exciting change of pace from just not having a good time, which is pretty much what high school is all about.

It soon became clear that there are a large number of very common activities in life that are exactly as fun as ingesting a bunch of cat tranquilizers and sitting around not having a very good time. Relationships, for instance. And watching movies about superheroes. Waz was much more than a piece of druggie jargon that only made sense to me, my friends, and a generation of house cats—it was a vital piece of emotional vocabulary that had been mysteriously omitted from the list of descriptive terms we’re expected to use to describe what kind of a time we’re having. Like leaving “red” off the color wheel. For instance:

Girlfriend: Was that as good for you as it was for me?
Me: It was pretty fucking waz, actually.
Girlfriend: Well, that’s the last time I take you to watch a movie about a superhero.

So imagine my relief this week when I learned that they’ve come out with a feature film about waz. They’ve got a Flash website and everything. The tagline is “What Would it Take to Make You Kill the One You Love?” Since we all know that the answer to that question is “A seven layer burrito and a coupon for a free Journey ringtone of my choice,” it’s pretty clear that the geniuses who crafted this rich filmic experience have a firm grasp of what’s waz and what’s not waz.

The poster for this movie, which depicts a woman who has accidentally covered the non-disfigured side of her disfigured face with the hood of an anorak, shows us that the graphic designer was not afraid to use the Greek symbol for the letter “d” to replace the only vowel in the only word in the movie’s title (knowing that he could just write it out below in capital letters, thereby negating and undermining the entirety of his role in designing a graphic for the title in the first place), and also that the film stars Hollywood leading lady Selma Blair—two powerful indications that not only will the uncompromising auteurs behind this cinematic event depict waz experiences to their viewers, but they will also ensure that their viewers experience waz for themselves. Much like how the guys who made A Thin Red Line showed countless moviegoers that war is dreary and monotonous by making their movie 13 hours long and completely impossible to watch without the aid of hallucinogenic mushrooms. The Waz official movie site, which I encourage everyone to check out, has a “storyboard” section which shows many of the waz moments that putative viewers can expect during the film. After ravenously devouring every element of this storyboard, I have decided that I will not be watching this movie in theaters, but as soon as it is released for rental, my cat and I intend to cook up a vial of Ketamine, pop the DVD in the player, and rate it on a scale of 1 to waz. I’ll let you know the results in a few months.

I’m also told that in the UK, “waz” is used to mean “urinate”.

"All significant truths are private truths."
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Once the executive branch of a thriving government, I am now a lonely wanderer, floating rudderless on a sea of discontent. Or a swamp. A swamp of malaise. A slough of despair, bitches. Rudderless.