The problem with dating, right? Is that it all starts out like this really exciting thing where you suddenly know someone who’s at least not openly repulsed by the idea of touching you and, like, maybe just maybe you’ve found a real human person who will be there to stroke your hair and, I don’t know, coo at you while you’re drunkenly sobbing yourself to sleep at night. So much so, actually, that you’re willing to overlook the fact that this chick has a psychotic fixation with, e.g., trying to talk to you while you’re on the fucking phone with someone else.
But like before long, it turns out that having someone ask you who you’re talking to every single time you pick up the telephone is actually the single most annoying thing in the entire world; and on the flipside, she’s actually not all that into the fact that you’re this oddly defective human being who bursts into tears for no apparent reason, and she starts telling you to, like, why not just cheer up? Which somehow just makes it all so much fucking worse.
But so this dating site takes care of that problem from the beginning of the process. Through a comprehensive 42-question survey, we’ll identify every insecurity, nervous tic, bad habit, fear, psychosis, or piece of questionable taste that you have, and assemble this accurate-as-shit composite of what you’re really like, so we can pair you up with someone who’s fucked up in similar ways.
So for instance, if you have this deep-seated anxiety about physical intimacy, we’ll find a partner for you whose germophobia is so intense that s/he would never be able to touch you anyway without the aid of a powerful sedative and a pair of heavy-duty burlap gardening gloves. Or, right? If you’re one of those people who just can’t keep the difference between “your” and “you’re” straight in your head, we’ll find you a life-mate whose degenerative brain disorder is so severe that they’ll never be able to fully comprehend just what a monumental fucktard they’ve been paired up with.
Also too, it’s a network, right? So you can have friends write testimonials for you that will help fill in information that you may have been too modest to include. Like,
“If you can deal with the fact that Jack will always be more emotionally committed to his music collection than he is to you, then go for it.”
“Diane will often have a dream that you did something fucked up and then actually hold it against you.”
“Stephanie genuinely enjoys reality television.”
And then the real bonus of this site is that when your partner leaves you because you’re “not the person they thought you were,” you can be like, “Well maybe you should have read my fucking profile.”